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Do you ever feel stuck? Stuck in a place, a moment or just stuck inside your head? That feeling inside as if you were frozen, unable to move. That's how I have been feeling lately and that's why, you must have noticed, the Blog has been running slow. This post, today, is quiet unusual for me. Not that I am untruthful to you, just that I'm a very private person. And now you are probably thinking that I'm either crazy or making fun of you, I'm a blogger, right?! Truth is that I am a blogger but that's not all that I am. And I have always been a private person, I keep my problems to myself, I don't talk to much about me or my stuff. Is not that I have something to hide, is just that I like to be happy and cheerful, positive, projecting good energy. I don't like to be that person that always has something wrong in her life, that depressing self that always has a negative comment or a disaster to share. I take pride in being me and I have always been shy on sharing my life, I just perfected my social skills growing up. But I've came to realize that even though everyone pretends to like the "jolly good fellow", everyone really envies the guy! Everyone seems to think that nothing is wrong and nothing bad happens to you and that's why you are happy and positive. Being a private, confident person, I don't usually care about what other people think but a while back I found myself wondering "what is there to be jealous of"!? and it stricken me that most people I know or that follow me, don't know me at all. And that is obviously on me. So, struggling and feeling really awkward, I decided to tell you a little bit of my story. Not about fashion or style, nor trends, just me. Here goes nothing...
I wish I could make this a short and concise entry but, as I write, I'm not sure how to make that happen but, I'll do my best. Ever since I was a kid I've been moving from town to town, I don't really have that many true, loyal friends but I am lucky enough that my husband is my best friend and for that I feel very blessed. Also, my family (even though, small) has always been their for me in the hardest moments. My father left us when I was 12, we barely had money, actually, we've struggled most of the time, even when he was around, because he was very inconsistent and unstable. I could only really forgive him for leaving us when I was a grown woman and we weren't really talking by then so I never really got the chance to tell him, since he died a few years ago. Well, prior to his death, I wrote him a letter but once it sank in that I would never hear his voice again, a letter didn't seem nearly enough. The permanence death pleads changes our way of thinking, it gives us perspective and a certain enlightenment but, to little to late, most times. But this too is a lesson on tolerance and the importance of forgiveness. Anyhow... For 7 plus years I was sick, I was constantly anemic, I always tried my best to keep my life going, even though most of the times I barely had the strength to role out of bed. It was hard to keep up with everything, especially my friends lifestyle at the time, but oddly enough, most of them never knew about any of this (so, it's a grand reveal for most people I know, as well). Also I had cancer and had my thyroid and my uterus removed. During this time I was subjected to a blood transfusion, more treatments than I can count, an uterine artery embolization, 6 major surgeries and a radioactive iodine treatment which had me completely isolated for four days and partially isolated for another four or five days. Luckily my husband, who is a great men, stand by me through the worst years of it and now I finally seem to be ok. Psychological I'm not sure if I'm already over it all, since I was in my early teens I taught myself that I had to be strong, I didn't want to burden my mother with more that she already had on her plate (which was a lot) so I kept everything to my self. I'm not the kind of woman that vents with her girlfriends, most of my life I was changing friends, making new friends and maybe because I was frequently new at a place, it was always easier to make friends with boys - they just want to know the new girl without prejudice. So I'm not quiet sure if I'm over it or if this just me, being strong for everyone around me. Either way, I'm dealing with it the best I know how, which is, not over complicating and positive thinking. Through this all process, I had many breakthroughs, I quit a job that made me miserable, I let my amazing husband into my life (for quiet some time I seem to only attract the wrong kind of man and was able to break the cycle, which I'm so grateful for), I change careers entirely and studied Image Consulting and Personal Styling, which is something that I felt (and still do) passionate about. However, in Portugal this is a area of expertise that is still very unappreciated and not credited. The few people that are able to make a good living out of it are the ones with personal acquaintances in magazines and the fashion scenery. As I wasn't raised anywhere near this glamours world, I have to hustle and struggle twice as hard. I'm not crying on your shoulder or cursing my life. I made peace with everything that has happened to me, I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that the Universe only gives you what you can take. And if anyone had to go trough it all, best that it was me. After all, it is all that has happened in my life that made me who I am. So I feel very blessed for all the good things I have, my family, my current health, my career, I try my best to value and appreciate every small joy. I take pride in being a joyful person and I am joyful, because I don't let myself drawn in the less pleasant moments of life, I just accept them, try my best to learn whatever lesson that moment was suppose to teach me and move on. It's not always easy, some days it's harder to cheer yourself back on track but it really has to come from you, from within. We thought that by a certain age we would already had achieve other goals, or we feel forced to let go of some of our young age dreams... sometimes that is helpful, makes us review our priorities and understand that maybe we didn't want those things that much; other times they just leave a void. And it is in this unfilled gaps, that the blog falls behind. Many times because I don't feel like sharing stuff that I believe is too private and because I also don't wish to be untruthful, I end up sharing nothing. It was one of these moments that I had when I decided to take a break and at the same time, rethink where I'm going and what do I want for this virtual space. I believe we are all made of energy and therefore receive the energy we project to the Universe. It was for this reason that I never wanted to give voice to what was going on, preferring to state that "all is well" rather than to dwell on explanations. For all this and so much more than I can keep writing, because this is already such a long entry, I don't understand jealousy. You never really know what's going on behind closed doors, behind a blog post, being a bright smile on an Instagram photo... Maybe this person just has a greater ability to smile through it all, maybe he/she is just better at holding on to the good things in life (for me, things like the birth of my nephews, my marriage, doing something I love for a living, having a crazy family that is by my side, my baby-dog-Chanel, traveling, walks on the beach, sunsets and sundowns, a glass of a good wine, the list goes on and on) and that's not motive for envy it is reason enough to share the joy and be happy for her.
This being said, I have been working hard on regaining my focus and my inspiration, to make this a better year for the Blog, myself and you guys, that read me. I'm working on improving the quality of what I post, even though that will reduce quantity but, I had to choose one or the other and I do believe that you deserve the very best, so I chose quality. And with March comes Spring, so I'm hoping this will be a season of renewal and I really hope the waiting will be worthwhile and that you enjoy it.
So, this is a small part of my life, a very private one, that I am letting you in. I really hope that you appreciate knowing me a little bit better, because this was really a hard thing for me to do and I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reading me without judging.